What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 17:42
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
What’s something you did a lot as a kid that you don’t miss now that you’re an adult?
Especially a lifetime of it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
All the time i was locked up.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
If a cat is feminine in German, what article do you give to a male cat?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
It was going to be , some day.
What song are you listening to right now? What does it mean to you?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
What nonsense did you hear today in India that made you laugh?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We were not on the streets..
One cannot live in the past .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Is Tinder the best dating app?
I was 9 years of age.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I write beautiful poetry .
Why are Indians so influenced by the Western culture, when the Indian tradition has so much to give?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was scared of men, in general
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I said to her
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But, we were locked up after school.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I will be 64.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I waited trembling.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I have no regrets .
She was in good health!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
What did i know ?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As i do to all so called friends.?
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was seconnd youngest,
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So, i spoilt her more .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But it wasn’t much.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And i lived it daily.
Im still living with it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She wouldn,t have been !
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We all went to grammer schools
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She loved him until the end.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But ive been too sick for many years..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Why did i forgive my father ?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Would this be the day?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
This is soul school!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was very sick at this time too.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Put me off passion for life!!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
When she asked me how she looked .
So whats the point in blame.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I think the readers, may guess!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She found it foreign!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My life is so biszare .
He knew the spot.
She married twice! .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Comes on , in middle age.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I couldn’t, believe it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I don,t even have a pension.
My family never makes their pension either.
Who then, do I blame.?
Ive learnt so much.